Did you ever think that one day you would eventually come to that breaking point? You know, the one that just pushes you over the edge, even though you were only looking over the rail? I have reached that point. This may seem like a pointless rant to most, but to me, it's everything. Chris has lost yet again, another job. How he manages to do this is beyond my wildest dream! He keeps talking about how he wants to get a fucking apartment and yet he keeps getting fired. How the hell does he expect us to do that, I mean seriously? It's like he has no respect for me whatsoever anymore. He seems to ignore any little task I ask him to do and does it in a complete disregard. Simple task number one....doing the little bit of laundry we have. Is it done? No. AM I washing it myself right now? Yes. Stupid...no, he has not worked in two weeks and yet he has let his laundry go for 2 weeks. He'll wash the occasional outfit for himself, but god forbid he washed MY work clothes while doing his little outfit in an entire load.

Then let's not forget the attempted cheating at hand. He thought that maybe he could try to get something on the side. I don't know what made him think he could possibly get away with it. Talking to her late at night while I was sleeping, or while he was at work. Writing her emails that bring me to tears everytime I read them. Telling her all this romantic shit he would like to do for her, and yet he hasn't done a damn romantic thing for me in ages. And the kicker of it is, he was talking to this chick like that while she was dating someone else! I mean seriously now, can we be even more stupid. I'm sure if that someone reads this, they will know who I am talking about and I don't really care if you tell him I told you, it does not matter to me at all anymore. I'im tired of being called a bitch by everyone because he won't be a man and tell them he has something to do. He would rather tell them "Dana said I can't because she says we have plans." Complete bullshit. And even when we do actually have plans, you know when he actually wanted to take me out on a date, he would end up going out with his friends or do something completely different and leaving me hanging. I wonder everyday why I decide to stick around with him. What is the purpose, I only end up getting hurt everytime. I'm getting really tired of crying when I think about our relationship. ABout how I get treated and how he doesn't really act like he wants to be around. And the funny part of it all is, no one sees how he really treats me. He acts like he loves me when people are around...kind of like a show to put on for everyone, and then they don't understand why I am so upset. "Oh, but Chris loves you so much, look what he does for you." But that's only when you are around, not when we are by ourselves.

I guess I just really needed to rant and get this all off of my chest. I'm just really tired of having people look at me as the bad guy, when in fact, I am just getting the shit end of the stick.

Since I can't leave the subject blank...
Current mood: depressed

My grandfather passed away on friday evening. It hasn't really sunken in yet, part of me expects him to just walk through the door and want his cup of coffee and a ham sandwich. That he'll be sitting in his chair and call out my name just to ask me that question that he had asked me a million times before. It was hard watching his health fall the way it did. I couldn't do anything to help him though. Not remembering the thing I had just told him, not remembering what he wanted to ask when he could actually get himself out of the chair, and just sitting there. Part of me wants to know why he is gone and why it had to be now. He promised to walk me down the aisle since my own father wasn't here, and now I have no one. I feel like inside, I am slowly pulling apart and tearing into little shreds. I want to be strong, but it's too hard. I really don't know what I am going to do.

The worst part is that I feel responsible. He said he was going to his meeting place (which is usually the front porch) but he never walked back into the house. He walked down to the other street and had a stroke, fell and that was the last time he was anywhere near the house. If I had just walked outside to see if he was there, or looked out the dinig room window to even see him start to walk away, he would still be here. But no, I didn't notice until 10 minutes later that he was not in the house, that he never walked back in, and for that I will never forgive myself.

He was getting so much better too. Breathing on his own 60% of the time, opening his eyes and looking in the direction of anyone who was talking to him, even squeezing my grandma's hand, and now, nothing. It all happened so suddenly.

Well I guess I'll stop writing, too many tears that I can hardly see the screen anymore.

During last semester of school I had to stop attending like near the end because of my grandfathers health (he's really hard to take care of) and I notified my teachers, well apparently they didn't care so they withdrew me as failing because of it and now I owe my school $900 because they took away the financial aid for that semester. SO now I am screwed because I do not have the $900 and it is due by July 8, and there is no way I would be able to pay it back by then, so I am going to have to talk to my grandma about how I failed and see if she can help me without letting my mom know (who would fly off her rocker if she knewq, when she wants to act like she cares, when we all know that she doesn't). Ugh, I really need to find a full time job so that way I do not need to rely on my moms insurance so that way I do not have to stay in school until I feel I am ready to go back, if I go back next semester as a full time student I will seriously be dropped from financial aid and then I don't know what I would do.

Sometimes I wonder if life is even worth living, the pain, the disappointment, none of it really seems worth it to stick around for people who don't really care you know? Nothing ever seems to go right and I'm always the one to blame for it all. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore, and that is a realy problem, all these years I knew I want to be a teacher and now I no longer have that urge to do so. And I'm supposed to be the big "achiever" of the family, but that is slowly sinking and I am getting less respect for that too. I failed 2 classes last semester because I just didn't care. Maybe the "school" thing isn't really for me. With everything else going on around me, I'm not the "school" person I thought I would be, I'm going to attempt it one more semester and if it doesn't work I don't think I'm going back, not until I figure out what I want to do with my life, until I figure out everything, the relationships with the people that are supposed to "love" me (which seems to be fewer and fewer by the second) and everything else that falls in line.

I know I haven't updated in awhile and it's just been one big mess, I'm going to try, but don't hate me if I disappear for awhile alright.

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Hanson Wedding in 2006

Hanson's youngest member Zac Hanson announced his upcoming nuptials during an interview for a South American television program. The nineteen year old drummer, who provided the backbeat for 1997's catchiest tune-- "MMMBop," will wed girlfriend Kathryn Tucker in June 2006.


http://www.lovetripper.com/bridalstars/news/celebrity-engagement-news.html

you can go to the site to see for yourself if you don't believe me.



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What is with them and getting married in June? Is he stealing Taylor's sunshine for the month of june?

A lot of strange things have been going on lately. Yesterday I was driving down Old Winter Garden road and was coming up to Woodlawn Cemetary (where my Aunt Joyce is buried). Something told me to go in and find her grave, so that's what I did. I remembered that she was somewhere far away from the middle building, so I was driving on the outskirts and couldn't find her for the longest. Just when I felt like about leaving, i decided to give it one more go around. I finally found it and just started crying (worse than I already was driving in there). It just felt so weird to go there and see her grave, I just couldn't help myself. I'm planning on going back today to clean it up a bit and maybe plant some flowers or something, it just looks so empty.

Then today I get home from school and see my grandma outside with the vacuum. I ask her if she was cleaning or the vacuum broke (legit questions) and she was like "no, someone broke the drivers window on my car" and I was like "what!!!!". Apparently someone was trying to get something out of the car. What, I don't know cause she doesn't keep shit in the car to begin with, so they must have really wanted the mouthwash she keeps in her car or something cause there is nothing in her car. They called the police and everything and they dusted for fingerprints but I don't think it's going to go anywhere cause in my neighborhood, nothing goes anywhere. There are too many people out and about (or kids that SHOULD be in school) that it would be hard to pin point it to one person you know.

Anyways, I'm going to go, with my small update and such, should update more late, I just have a few things to do now. SO I'll write more later.

Sometimes I wonder if I were to just disappear from earth, would anyone miss me, let alone even realize that I was gone? Sometimes it gets hard to believe that anyone would. It seems that no matter how hard I try for anything, I get the shitty end of it all and I get all the names and the second hand crap. I'm sorry I wasn't born male and that I can't be what you want me to be. Sometimes just staring at all the meds I take makes me wonder if it is even worth trying to live when I need all these artificial things to keep me here alive. If I were meant to live, then why would I need all these things to keep me alive. Sometimes it's hard to get people to understand that it's not polite to stare when you see someone taking more than one pill, I'm not a pillpusher, I'm just seriously sick. I hate when people watch me take a shot, I'm not shooting up, I'm trying not to die. But even when they are trying not to look, I can see them looking out the corner of their eyes and all their little snickers that that make towards me.

Then of course, there can't be one day without someone who is supposed to care for me calling me a bitch. I have done nothing to anyone and yet I am continued to be called such horrific names as if it is supposed to make them feel more superior over me. When deep down, it makes me feel as if they are better than myself. I sometimes wonder if I was meant to be at the bottom and take everyone shit from them and not say anything about it. If I say something then worse names are used against me and make me feel more like shit. Sometimes I wish I could just move and get away from all of this, start over with a new life. One where I am not tormented for shit I didn't even do and no one knows anything about me so they can't judge me based on what they have heard from others words. But I know that can never be.

I guess I am about to sound really selfish about what I am about to say, but then again no one really cares anyways. Tomorrow is my cousin's 21st birthday party and it's a guys night out. From what they were talking about, they were going to go to Pleasure Island at downtown disney, well I heard from my mom that they are going to a various number of strip clubs and part of me (a big part of me) doesn't want Chris going. I can't stop him though. And if I tell him I don't want him to go, I know he won't, but then I will be called a bitch again because everyone seems to think that I stop Chris from doing things when it isn't the case. I just never thought that Chris would enjoy going to places like those, he knows what they are all about, his cousin has women who work at those kind of places. And when I told him that they would be going to strip clubs tomorrow night, it seems like it didnt even faze him in the slightest bit. Part of me feels hurt that he would even want to go to them to begin with, but I guess that's just my insecure side. People will tell me "oh, well he's dating you" or "he's with you, not them" but it's not the same. I don't know, I think I am just making a big deal out of nothing, but to me it's still something. And I guess even while I am out with Amy, part of me is going to be regretting the fact that he went to them and had himself a good time.

I guess I just need someone to tell me I am over-reacting to the whole situation and or just me a bitch and get it over with.

Wow, I haven't posted here in forever! Let's see what is different.

Chris got a new Job! He's dropping down to seasonal at Universal to work at Orlando Chrysler Jeep Hyundai as a parts delivery person. He'll be getting paid $9 an hour to do that. He dropped to seasonal though because he can't see himself not work at Universal at JAWS though, so he still wants to work there sometimes. HE loves the people there so leaving completely would hurt too much.

I got all my classes registered for and now I have to go buy my books. I might go do that tomorrow though because I don't have to work tomorrow so it gives me time to actually LOOK for the stupid books. The bookstore is so damn confusing that finding your book is damn near impossible. I'm hoping that I can find used books (much cheaper) even though it shouldn't matter too much since I have financial aid, but I want to get back what I can you know? And now I'll just have to wait for classes to actually start. I got MWF classes with 3 classes being on MW and 1 class being on F (for only an hour, how cool right?)

Chris and I's 2 year anniversary went by and we didn't get the chance to do much. That morning I woke up seriously sick, so I pretty much spent the entire day in bed with Chris taking care of me. Being sick completely sucks. I somehow managed to crawl out of bed though to actually go out to eat. But I didn't eat all my food cause just the sight of it was making me sicker. But the next day I was feeling better (don't you love how lots of meds at once can make you feel better?) and we went out to eat again. This time I actually was able to eat, so I ate! lol, not like a pig or anything, please.

I just got done working a 9 day shift because someone went on vacation and then another person went to the hospital. So i worked some nice hours for a pretty paycheck! I am also looking for a car (still) and everyting, I might have one that I like but there are always options. I went to a chevy place yesterday and was looking at this Chevy Tracker, until I noticed a rusty yellow razorblade on top of it, I almost cut myself picking it up, then Alex snatched it so I wouldn't and almost cut himself! He said that the auto body department uses them to fix cars that have been in accidents and that they shouldn't have left it on top of the car. Not to mention that NO sales people came out to help us at all, which normally they hound you like a dog! So when we were walking back to the car, my bro and I walked in to give the blade to someone. We walk in and still everyone ignores us, so we go up to someone and go "where is your managers office?" EVERYONE stopped what they were doing to look at us, when the guy told us where it was at, we went and explained the whole situation. When we were leaving my bro was singing "someone's going to get fired", talking about the auto body people, cause my bro was like "now what if id on his dad's shoulders and saw that and picked it up instead, that would ahve been bad" so they felt really stupid.

Friday Alex and Amanda moved out (FINALLY!!!!!!!!) it's so much better now that they are gone, my grandma hasn't bitched once about shit being left everywhere, and I told her it was them, but now sadly, there apaprtment looks like crap thanks to them leaving things everywhere, but they'll learn I guess. BUt we are turning the other room into a place where I will have a futon, my cable tv (since I don't have that in my room) and a place for my grandma's sewing machine. It's so exciting cause now I have a room I can just chill in instead of worrying about being in the dining room or one of the living rooms.

I need help picking out a kitty name, so far I've gotten "Ink". Chris and Jon suggested that name. She's black with white paws, tummy and chin, looking like a blob of ink fell on her. If anyone else has another suggestion let me know!

Sorry about not being around for such a long time, things have been getting so hectic that I can't even tell what day it is. I have gone from hell and back recently and things are just starting to calm down.

Alex and Amanda are moving out in July (yay) cause they can't stand the house rules (which there are none they are just bullshitting) so I will have an extra room to do as I please with it (might make it my comp/study room) but with Amanda gone a lot of the stress in my life will be gone (yes she is one of the main reasons) but anyways, I will miss having my bro around cause now I will be by myself in the house at night (cause he is the only other person in the house who can't really sleep *we both have insomnia* so now I will be awake by myself) but as long as amanda is out of my house I don't care. No more nasty looking bathroom thanks to her not cleaning shit, more food in the house thanks to her not eating everyone's food (I think when people buy things because of food allergies she should seriously leave it alone and NOT eat it without asking to see who's it is) but anyways, enough about that!

I finished my semester with 1 A, 2 B's and a C (the C came from Math class and that was the highest grade anyone got) beacuse the teacher tok someone else's final exam and gave it to us with like half the shit she decided not to teach us! But anyways, I still passed and everything which makes me happy. I'm not taking any summer classes (can't really afford it) so I'm going to take 5 classes in the fall instead of 4 like I normally do, But 2 of them will be online because it works better for me that way. During the school year I have more time to be online and then I know I'll get my work done for those classes. But yeah, so thats how school went.

Saturday I went to two graduations. My cousin Ashley graduated finally. Her dad was so hapy, he broek out into tears, and so did I. She's one of the cousin's that I am actually close with so I was so proud of her. And then later that night we went to Evan's Grad because Alex and I's friend was graduating...valedictorian! His speech was so funny and he thanked a teacher that we both took. It was so sweet. And now in the fall he is going to M.I.T because he scored a 1490 on his SAT and got excepted there. He said he's going to miss all his friends since everyone else is going to bee here and he's going to be in Mass.

And June 10-17 my bro's friend Ed is coming to stay at our house, which is cool. He used to live like 3 houses down from us until he moved to Miami. But yeah Amanda isn't to happy cause she knows she's not going to get any attention from my brother during that week due to Ed being here. But it's cool. Most of the days that he's here I don't work til 5pm so I'll more than likely be chillin with him because Alex will be at work (and hopefully so will Amanda).

But yeah I'll stop now since I've written so much and I'll try to o be around more!

sorry if I don't come around too much for the next week or so, I really need to find myself, I've realized that I am being taken for granted for by many (not here so don't worry about that) and I need time to breathe and get everything straight. I've realized that those who I thought cared for me, actually don't because if they did, they woudn't fucking use me the way they do, if they cared about my feelings, they wouldn't do some of the shit they did, and if they truly loved me, they'd care a lot more. So I guess I will see you all later when I think I have become a little better for myself. I love you all and if you want to email me to see how I am doing then you can do that.

My email is xblondebondagex@gmail.com

Thanks for understanding and I hope to see you all later. I love you all.